Fire life in the summertime in a beach side town that runs an ambulance is never boring, at least in my view from home. Boredom is never really the issue, it’s always more of a longing. Longing for him to be home, him longing to be home, kids longing for dad to be home. I think 72 hours probably even feels longer during the summer when he’s at work and I am doing the things that in a lifetime long ago I thought that he was getting away easy not doing, when in reality, even though he is living and working his dream, I now know he’d rather be with us, getting ice cream for an outdoor concert, going to the beach with us, or even lazying around the house-just sitting in our presence. That’s what our weekend was like. It was full and busy and probably overscheduled, and when I went to bed on his first shift day Friday night, it was with much anxiety over how I could possibly do it all and make it all work.
By the time I got up Saturday-with way too much on my plate-I committed to doing one thing at a time. And when more was thrown at me and my blood started to boil and I stopped to pray and I just felt the Lord’s presence and His peace wash over me with His solution. “Just be.” “Stop trying to control it.” “Give it to me.” And so I did. And I’m left wondering why is it that I always try to do it on my own. I guess humans are just hard wired that way, to be self-sufficient, but it doesn’t always serve us well. It is when I depend on myself or my husband too much, when I rely on the efforts of human beings to fulfill all of my needs, that I feel lost, alone, and anxious. But when I stop and remember who I am and whose I am, I know that I am loved, that I am never alone, and that I have peace.
And so I placed everything where it was supposed to be all along, on God, who is in all the details anyway. He took care of my tired Friday, my busy Saturday, and my overly tired Sunday. He provided for every single one of my needs. From there I was able to sit back and enjoy it all. I had the absolute best time at the NKOTB concert Saturday night with my friend and when I needed to get up at 6am to drive Christopher to New Hampshire for sleep away camp after going to bed at 2am, He carried me through. All praise and glory to God for all of that. When I allow myself to be filled up by Him, I can pour into others-especially my husband and my kids.
This fire life is not easy. But I guess it was never supposed to be. It takes work, dedication, love, and a lot of prayer to keep it going. After all these years I’m still learning to be patient, forgiving, and flexible. I also have to remind myself that if Kenny could be there to help in all of the crazy, he would. But this is our life, a lot of it is sacrifice, from all of us, but that is what family does for each other. And if at the end of the day, all I have left is my family and my faith, then I have enough.
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