I can’t speak for anyone but myself. But… I struggle. I struggle with so many things. So many things in fact that sometimes it makes me wonder if it is “normal.” I never have to question if I am flawed, because I have no doubt about that. But… I struggle. I struggle with my thoughts. I struggle with my role. I struggle with the day to day. I struggle with change. I struggle with my time. I struggle with anxiety. I struggle with fatigue. I struggle with my body. I struggle with my wants and my desires versus what I need. I struggle with parenting. I struggle with nearly everything it seems on some days and on other days not so much. The struggles as of lately have thankfully pushed me to a point of surrender where I have realized that I am not in control nor do I want to be and I hear God whisper, “Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28. God knows I am weary and God knows I need rest. He knows all of my needs before I even realize I have a need. He’s so awesome like that.
My biggest struggle right now- the one that is driving me bonkers-is parenting. So many of my other struggles come into play here as well. I guess parenting is the umbrella under which many of my struggles fall. And as another school year draws to a close and my kids are another year older, I am struggling to relate to my boys, struggling with my place and my role, and I am struggling to let go of where I want us to be and in reality where we are. I don’t want to be a nag- but nobody does anything unless I tell them. And what hurts is letting go of what once was- the snuggles and bed time stories and embracing what is-time with friends, time on screens and so much more. A friend pointed this out to me the other day, and it is so strange and yet so ironic, that only a few short years ago, we would give anything for two seconds of uninterrupted time alone and now-now I’m sad that they leave so easily. But that’s the end game right? It’s the goal? To raise kind and independent people who can be out in the world without me? And here is where I struggle with my role. Well if they can be out all day, surely they can close a cabinet or pick up their dirty socks or do their dishes. If only that were true!
But where does that leave me now, now that my heart feels a little lonely and a little empty? It leaves me making every effort I can to have family devotions at night and to pray with and for my kids. It leaves me sacrificing “me time” at night to watch a show with the teenager. It leaves me purposefully planning family time that will not be interrupted. It leaves me with time on my hands to figure out who I am and what I want to do now that my kids are growing up. It leaves me drawing close to God and asking Him to help me through this season.
While I feel like I’m in the thick of it, I know this is just the beginning for us. It’s not going to be easy. But I also know that I will only make it harder for myself if I hold on to any picture perfect ideas of what I want life to look like. Instead of holding on to what I want, I need to hold on to my maker to guide me through it, to remind me that I have so much to be thankful for, and one of the things to be thankful for are the sweet memories.