No lie, I have so many things on my mind tonight that I could write 3 different blog posts right now, but there just isn’t time for that tonight. So where do I begin? June. June has been a hard month for me for the last 4 years, the funny part is, is that I never see it coming. The past few weeks I’ve been feeling anxious, tired, and just a general feeling of not being content. June is such a busy time when you have school aged kids. All of these end of the year events are crammed into the last 2 weeks of school, leaving my head spinning and my calendar full(something I don’t strive for). The calendar of events these past two weeks have included; baseball games, art show, a full day of school concerts, classroom party, pre-school graduation(tomorrow’s blog topic), wax museum, field day, field trips, firefighter’s memorial Sunday. This week I have an eye exam and a physical, my fireman is at a convention in Hyannis back and forth until Wednesday, and then we round off the week with 2 baseball games and Relay For Life as the cream filling in between, 12 hours of walking around a track, a fun yet emotional day(another blog post).
I’m overwhelmed, so what? Who isn’t? This week has a bigger significance to me. 4 years ago, my fireman walked out the door to this same convention and I sank into a pit. Depression and anxiety rocked my world as time actually felt like it stopped ticking. I sat at home with my 3 boys ages 1, 3, and 5 at the time and cried for 3 days. My head felt like it was stuffed with cotton balls and I was so fatigued, yet I couldn’t sleep, no matter how hard I tried. When Kenny got home, I went to bed for three days. When I wasn’t sleeping I was staring at the wall. I had no motivation, no drive, no desires. My get up and go, had gotten up and gone… without me.
So began an incredible journey. After feeling like my gp had led me in the wrong direction, I sought the help of a functional medicine doctor who after a short physical examination, did not diagnose with me depression or anxiety but with a stress related condition called adrenal fatigue and severe vitamin deficiencies. From that point we changed my diet, my exercise, my daily routine, and really my whole outlook on my life.
The ups and downs over these past 4 years have been tough. I’ve learned to cling to the Lord and depend on him. I’ve learned to slow down and not over book my calendar(on purpose). I’ve learned to say no. I’ve learned there is beauty in sandwiches for dinner on paper plates. I’ve learned to get out of my comfort zone. I’ve learned to be grateful for the many blessings in my life. I’ve learned that God gave me beautiful friends to lean on and to pray with.
I’m thankful for my adrenal fatigue because it has taught me so much. So when June rolled around and I got lost in my calendar-in the big picture, I remembered my past and that I needed to focus on today, on all the moments in between the events. I remembered that I needed to take time for myself, that my body needs exercise and rest, and that my mind and my soul need time with the Lord. I’ve been diffusing essential oils to relax, taking my vitamins, eating well, going on daily walks, spending time in prayer, getting lost in a good book, watching hallmark movies, all things that I love, all things that are for me. Because self care is so important. And way back when my adrenals crashed, I wasn’t doing self care. I was going so hard, so fast, for so long that the days flew by, the moments were slipping away, and I was just trying to be supermom to three littles and super wife to my man. But now I know that my people don’t need me to be super anything, they just need me. Imperfect, way less than super, running late, totally messy, slightly forgetful me. They need me to show up, to be there, to be PRESENT!!
Last night I was getting my oldest and my middle ready for baseball and they couldn’t find their uniforms. This isn’t the first time they couldn’t find something that I could easily find, however, the uniforms were not in the drawers. I had a minor freak out in my brain as I tore threw the hamper and found 2 baseball uniforms at the bottom of the hamper. I tossed one to my 7 year old and upon putting them on he said, “where did you get these clothes?” My reply, “the hamper.” He said, “They smell dirty.” I said, “They are dirty!”
Case and point, It’s more important for me to be present than it is for me to be perfect. God showed me that through adrenal fatigue and I know that he will continue to show me, because I am not perfect and I never will be. And this morning after I kissed my husband goodbye, even though I have been fearful of crashing again, I knew that I was stronger, different, better than I was 4 years ago. And I know, that day after day, as long as I have breath in my body, I will keep showing up for my family. Presence over perfection.